It’s been a while since housewives around the globe collectively wet their panties and slid off their chairs while reading
the critically acclaimed Fifty Shades of Grey. I once witnessed a woman so captured by this love story that she almost did not notice her son was about to jump on the train tracks. I mean, still a better love story than Twilight right? Oh wait…
Any way, because of the hype and the unleashing of inner Goddesses everywhere, Hollywood was very keen in bringing the story to the big screen. And despite it being better than the books, it was apparently still an absolute disgrace to watch. I wouldn’t know. I saw it was on Netflix, I attempted to watch it and I quit after 5 minutes because I really wanted to throw things at the screen because of the sheer stupidity of the main characters and I’m sure the boyfriend would not have appreciated a hole in his television.
But I digress, there were plenty of people who were amazed by this film. I once stood in line behind two girls who went to see it for the third time and were gushing about it with the guy standing behind the counter. For so long actually that I almost missed my film. But despite the poor reviews, they decided to make a second one and recently they released the trailer for Fifty Shades Darker. And well, I thought you all deserved an honest trailer reaction because I am sure the trailer left you speechless. Let’s go!
This Valentine’s Day you can take your lover to another installment of a film that glorifies sexual abuse. Because nothing says I love you more than going to a flick in which a creepy stalker dude can’t take no for an answer, but hey, he is hot and white so it’s totally okay!
We get to see a mysterious box and a title that says we should forget the past. Well, I read one paragraph from the book and it was hard to forget that. But okay, I will try.
It’s the return of Zorro, but Antonia Banderas was not home when they called him. The trailer tells us to slip into something a shade darker, after showing us these very beautiful Louboutins. Best thing about this whole trailer to be honest.
“A treat,” Christian says, but instead of giving Ana a box of Chicken McNuggets, he gives her these masks. The white mask does not particularly leave a face covered, which should be the whole purpose of a mask, but oh well.
“Where the fuck are my McNuggets?” Ana is thinking, but she is a polite girl so she smiles. But we all know she wants to punch him deep down for not giving her food.
Oh no! She is wearing a mask! Who is this mysterious person? Such an amazing mask. Totally doing what a mask should be doing; covering a face!
Why the hell are these bodyguards not wearing masks? I mean, I get that they are working but if they came to my party like this, they would not be allowed in. No mask, no twerking, okay.
We see some boring shots of people dancing with better masks than Ana, because they actually cover people’s faces.
“I want you back,” Christian is heard saying and he sent her these lovely flowers. Naturally this will persuade her to submit to his dominance and asshole behaviour once again. Well, my ex just sent me a text asking if I wanted to get down again. I have to give Chris kudos for at least trying.
Chris is seen staring out of a window and he tells us he had no idea what this would become. I guess he was just as surprised as all of us that his sexual assault and creepy stalker behaviour was actually effective and got him laid. Normally it would at least result in a restraining order.
Ana tells us she doesn’t see how this could work. That was exactly my thought when they announced these films, but hey, it worked out in the end. Ana is at some sort of art exhibition and guess who randomly shows up uninvited?
Edward Cullen Christian Grey!
They show a shot of the two of them in a room. Ana asks if he is just going to stand there gawking. Christian says yes. This promises to be a very interesting flick. I bet this scene will be at least 10 minutes of awkward stares with no chemistry at all between the main characters.
“I don’t see how this could work but let’s make out in the shower with our clothes on because I am a very conflicted character, okay.”
Wait..where the hell did his shirt go?
“Okay, we can totz make this work with no rules, no punishments and no secrets,” Ana said, while Christian flexes his muscles. Christian agrees but deep down knows he will not oblige to her demands because he is a priviliged hot rich white man and he can do whatever he wants.
“Look! we are being a normal couple!”
And then they hit an iceberg and they die. The End.
Oh no, wait!
Who is this chick? Smells like Christian has a secret after all!
Who are you mysterious man? And why do you think it is okay to sexually intimidate the main character considering you are not half as hot as Mr. Grey and probably not as rich?
We see Ana run past Christian at the Bal Masqué in anger, probably because someone told her her mask was shit and she was hella pissed he would give her such a lousy present.
A car chase in a garage! Mystery! Some paparazzi took a photo of Ana! She stares at him in anger, wondering where the hell her chicken mcnuggets are. A helicopter crash! So many secrets! Most of us would have been out of there already but Ana sticks to her man, mkay.
This is the second time this chick managed to get in uninvited. Perhaps it is time to change your locks or install a security system? Especially since you are being chased. Just saying.
So next year we will once again get to watch 1,5 hours of glorified abuse and manipulation. And the guy doesn’t even sparkle. But after this, just one more. We can make it through these hard times.
Watch the trailer for yourself:
What do you think? Will you be watching the film? Leave a comment!