Yes, I know this recap is late. But I needed time to get over the trauma that Game of Thrones has caused me. For realz yo. Why do I still watch this show? It causes nothing but pain and sadness. Oh well…here we go again…tum tum tumde tum tum…
We are halfway through and the creators of the show thought that there wasn’t enough trauma yet so this episode is there for you to cry. But I am getting ahead of myself. Let’s just start from the beginning.
Sansa receives fan mail of LittleMiddleFinger and she goes down to Mole’s town to give him a piece of her mind. While he is all cheerful, saying he’s got an army to back her, Sansa is having none of that shit because LittleMiddleFinger is the one who handed her over to Ramsay. She is decent enough not to have Brienne Badass of Tartt cut him into pieces, but this relationship is OVAH. She will just take care of this shit herself from now on, thank you very much.
Then on to the other Stark girl. Arya is getting her ass kicked once again but at least she is better than she used to be. Finally those 457589965 seasons of training paid off. She is taught the history of the faceless men before she is sent to the theater to assassinate an actress. She has to endure a play depicting the tragic fate of Ned Stark, making him look like a fool. When she is backstage, she notices how nice this lady is and goes back to the temple where she tells Creepy dude her plan and that the lady is nice. Here she learns that the Faceless men are basically just hitmen, paid to murder bitches and as a prize, get their face on that fancy wall. Uh oh. Shit is going down.
Hodor Hodor Hodor
Back to another Stark, everybody’s favourite cripple Bran. That son of a….wait, no I am getting ahead of myself. In a vision, he discovers that the children of the forest are responsible for creating the White Walkers. When Bran asks the legitimate question why the fuck they would do such a thing, they are like “But humans threatened us! We had no choice but to create an army of the dead. Soz.” Then Bran is being a total dumb ass and goes into a vision on his own, even though the Raven dude told him not to.
How well did this work out for you the first time, Bran? Right not listening cost you your legs and basically your whole family was murdered. Way to go. In this vision, he meets the Night’s king, who marks him and when he snaps back, the Raven says he will come for Bran. This is why nobody likes you Bran. Even legless you are a pain in the ass. Sorry…I am just very bitter.
Shit goes down in the Iron Islands as well. Yara wants to be elected Queen, Theon is all yasss girl slay. Then their uncle comes and claims the Salt Throne. Theon and Yara get out of there with the whole fleet which was a clever idea cause evil uncle wants to murder their asses. But nobody cares really.
Then on to Daenerys and Jorah who finally
kiss and make up. Dany tells him to go find a cure for his medical issue greyscale and then come back to conquer some hoes. Yas girl slay!
Tyrion has found himself their own Red Priestess who wants to help Dany conquer the world, because she was the one who was promised. Just like Stannis…and Jon. Just saying. Varys is all “I DO NOT BELIEVE YOUR ASS” but then again, he had his penis cut off by a magician so he is a little sensitive. She knows a lot about this situation though, which scares him but the Lawd of Light has spoken, ya’ll.
At Castle Black, everybody gets a move on and Sansa shows her fashion designer skills. Soy cute. Where they are going? No clue. But Brienne+Tormund= Brienmund <3
Then back to that little shit Bran. He is in a vision, casually strolling around, while shit is going down in the magical cave. The Night’s King is all “GOODDAY SIR,” and regardless of the fire these children of the forest put up, these mofos still enter that cave like it is no big deal. Why was it a big deal before? No clue. I heard it was magical. Anyway, Meera can’t get Bran to wake up and warg into Hodor, and in the meantime everybody dies. Meera does manage to murder one of those White Walker bosses, so brownie points for that. Bran finally gets Hodor to move and they run while the Raven gets murdered. One of the children of the forest sacrifices herself, which is sad, but they caused this problem in the first place.
And then…they reached the door.
While Meera drags Bran away from the cave, she demands Hodor to HOLD THE DOOR. And Bran, still in his vision, sees that he is the cause of Hodor Hodoring, as young Wyllis drops to the ground to have some sort of attack.
Hold the door.
Hold T Door.
Hodor no more.
Please give me a moment to cope….