I don’t even feel like this episode deserves a recap because geezus it was such a snoozefest. But perhaps exciting times are ahead? Who knows. In the Game of Thrones, you either snooze or need booze.
Some Sam Backstory
Our dear Westerosi friends are once again back for exciting adventures. This time we start with Sam and Gilly, who no one care about at all, as Sam finally arrives back home. Sam forgot to tell Gilly that his dad hates wildlings, so don’t mention it, okay? Okay.
Sam’s mum and sister are awfully nice and even give Gilly an extreme makeover, which was long overdue. They have a nice dinner with Sam’s awful dad, who body-shames him for wanting more bread. Had I been Sam, I would have devoured the entire basket of bread just to spite that asshole, but hey, that’s just me. Gilly has to defend Sam, for he has no backbone and lets slip that she is a wildling (you make my heart sing *Insert Kit Harrington wink*). This sends Sam’s dad into a frenzy and he points out the Valeryan steel sword they have will never be Sam’s. Until Sam gets banished and decides to take Gilly, the baby and the sword with him. This will be awfully convenient once those pesky White Walkers will come and visit.
In King’s Landing, Margaery is about to do the walk of atonement, and everybody is ready to see boobs when Jaime and his marching band arrive and say “Nope not today.” Daddy Tyrell and Nonna Tyrell arrive and the High Sparrow says it is a great honour to die for the Gods. But it will not be necessary cause we converted King Wussface to their religion. For god’s sake (see what I did there?) someone just get rid of the sparrow dude. His unhygenic clothes bother me.
Walder Frey is not happy either. Remember him? He is Filch from Harry Potter who had a name change and murdered everybody at the Red Wedding (Lots of stabbing and a little beheading). He is pissed cause Catelyn Stark’s uncle took Riverrun. Then he shows he’s holding a characterweshouldknowandprobablycareaboutbutwedon’t hostage. Oh the suspense.
Arya is finally moving on from her dull storyline. She poisons Lady Crane, then has a nice talk with her and decides to not murder her and instead warn her about that bitch trying to steal her role. She finally takes back Needle and will have the Waif on her tale as that chick is murderous. Which leaves me thinking: WHY THE HELL DID WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS STORYLINE IN THE FIRST PLACE? So much time wasted. A girl is not pleased.
Previously, on Westeros…
Bran gets to see the entire history of Westeros. I wish I had this kind of flashback memory when I had to take history exams. Anyway, the wights find them and they know they will die but then a mysterious man comes and saves them. I kept shouting it had to be Benjen Stark and lo and behold, it was! He was stabbed by a White Walker and then brought back to life and now he is just chilling, making hot cocao. Good times.
Daenerys and her khalasar are travelling through the desert, having a grand old time, when Dany hears a funky noise. She goes and checks it out on her own (Me: IT IS PROBABLY DROGON) and then makes an entrance flying on Drogon’s back. She then does a BraveHeart-like speech and everybody is all YASS SLAYY QUEEN DANY.
That was the end of that. When will the good stuff come? Who knows….