The end of the season is fast approaching and shit all has happened so far. Yes, the notorious ninth episode is coming and hopefully that will provide us with some thrills and chills, but enough with all this building up to something that can only disappoint. Get Lyanna Mormont on the Iron Throne already (and someone punch Tommen in the face).
Anyway, let’s get down to business!
We start off in Braavos where we see Lady Crane finally giving that speech that brings tears to the eyes of many. She walks off stage where she finds Arya bleeding to death, but it is just a flesh wound. Oh wait, wrong series. Anyways, Lady Crane takes care of Arya, telling her she is awfully good at stabbing and mending people, which makes me like her. She takes no shit, that lady. Arya gets some healing time and Lady Crane asks her to join their acting troupe but Arya comes up with some lame excuse about not remembering lines, while we all know Arya is out to murder some bitches.
Cersei’s former fuckboy
Back to King’s Landing where Lancel, once Cersei’s fuckboy but now a devout follower of the faith, tells Cersei that the High Sparrow has summoned her. But Cersei is not that stupid so she refuses to come along but says the High Sparrow is always welcome for a cup of tea and some scones in the Red Keep. Lancel is all “Well, you can come with us without anyone being harmed or we will cause a bloody scene here.” He obviously did not notice Mountainzilla standing behind her. Cersei is all “Try me bitch” and some foolish religious soul actually has a go at Mountainzilla. He does not survive.
Apparently the King has an announcement to make and nobody CC’ed Cersei so girlfriend is hella pissed. When she also gets told to go to the gallery and watch it all from there, shit gets real. When Tommen then announces that Trial by Combat is forbidden, Cersei is ready to rip somebody’s guts out. Basically she is fucked and Loras is pretty fucked too. Geez fuck, can we get rid of that High Sparrow dude already? And Tommen too. Get a fucking spine, man!
Brienne of Tarth
At Riverrun, Jaime and Brienne meet again. It is obvious that they love each other. Even Bronn agrees on this. There is an undeniable chemistry there and I think we should not deny it. Anyway, Brienne asks if she can please have the opportunity to ask the Blackfish to send his army to the North to help Sansa. Brienne wants to give Jaime his sword back but he wants her to keep it and honestly, if this isn’t love then I do not know what love is. She says that if she fails, she will have to fight Jaime but we all know that shit won’t happen cause they will end up running away together when Lyanna SassQueen Mormont takes the Iron Throne.
Brienne fails to convince the Blackfish to surrender and gets all depressed about it. Meanwhile, Jaime is having a little heart to heart with Edmure and basically he leaves Edmure with no choice but to go out there and have them surrender the castle. Edmure goes to the castle and demands to be let in. Blackfish shouts that it is a trap but his men are like “nah, of course not, we’re with him, okay.” And thus Jaime wins.
Blackfish is nice enough to help Brienne and Podrick escape and then decides to go and have one last sword fight himself. But do you think we witness this sword fight? Of course we do not. Imagine showing us some action! That would be strange on a show called Game of Thrones.
Brienne and Podrick escape and Jaime spots them but is all like “BYE I LOVE YOU I WILL NOT HAVE MY MEN COME AND MURDER YOU”. I ship Jaienne.
The Brotherhood without Banners
Meanwhile, the Hound finds the dudes who murdered his squad, and lo and behold, they are about to be murdered already by the brotherhood! The Hound asks if he can have them for himself and eventually gets 2, although he is not allowed to swing his axe at them. Later, they sit by the fire and
sing cumbaya my Lord the brotherhood tries to recruit The Hound for the battle in the North. I am certain he will join them and just swing his mothafucking axe at these mothafucking White Walkers.
Back in Mereen, Varys leaves and Tyrion is cracking jokes with Greyworm and Missandei. Then Mereen gets attacked by the slavers and while shit is going down, Daenerys walks in and everybody bows down. This is probably the easiest money Emilia Clarke has ever made.
Back to Braavos, where the Waif comes in and murders Lady Crane. Not in a nice way either, but a girl is a bitch. Anyways, Arya escapes and leads the Waif to the place where she hid Needle. The Waif is all smug about it but then the room goes dark and yet again they take away all the action from us.
Arya fucking Stark
Flash forward to the House of Black and White where Jaqen follows a trail of blood that leads to the Waif’s face. It was about time. Arya then steps up the the plate and points needle at Jaqen who says “Yay, you finally are no one!” while Arya says: “Nah bro, I am Arya Stark and I am getting the fuck out of here!”
I am getting a little bit frustrated at the lack of action, but I hope that The Battle Of The Bastards next week will be a major showdown and that Ramsay will finally die. Until next week!