It is over! For now at least. Season 7 of Game of Thrones has come to an end and what an end it was. We had lies and deceit! We had love! Then we finally got rid of that motherfucker that should have died seven seasons ago! But most importantly, is *spoiler* still alive? Let’s take a look at the excitement that was the season finale! (previous recaps here for episodes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6)
As always, mind the spoilers!
A Nice Friendly Gathering
Bronn and Jaime overlook the Unsullied army, who are just chilling in front of the gates of King’s Landing. Anyway, Bronn and Jaime have a nice chat and they are both very much aware that they are on the losing side. Especially when the Dorthraki come in to crash the party. Bronn and Jaime would be better off just getting the hell out of there, but hey, what do I know?
In the meantime, Cersei is preparing for the meeting in the dragon pit. Girlfriend is not fooling around when she orders the Mountain to first kill Daenerys, then Tyrion and then Jon Snow when something goes wrong. I mean, I don’t understand why she thinks things will go bad as this is like a friendly family barbecue right? Until that one uncle gets drunk and ruins everything by bending the knee to some other chick. I am getting ahead of myself.
Jon and gang march to the dragonpit where Brienne and the Hound finally meet again. They have a lovely conversation about their adopted child Arya and how she turned out to be a murder baby. I ship Briennehound but not as much as Brienmund or Jainne. Damnit Brienne, get hitched already.
The gang is in the dragonpit when Cersei and her entourage enter. The Hound notices his brother and walks up to him, remarking that the Mountain is even uglier than him now. He basically promised the highlight of season 8 when he said: “You know whose coming for you brother…you’ve always known.” You can place your bets now on Cleganebowl.
Cersei is pissed that Dany is not there yet, but Dany gives zero fucks. She arrives on her dragon and when Cersei tells her she’s late, she just shrugs it off. Neither one of them are impressed by the other.They sit in silence, until Tyrion tries to speak. He is rudely interrupted by Euron, who should just keep his mouth shut already. Nobody cares about your opinion. He demands Theon to surrender to him, or he will kill Yara. Euron then shares some really bad dwarf jokes. Nobody thinks this is funny. Cersei tells him to sit the hell down. Cersei basically looks like someone shoved poop under her nose. The struggle of being the most hated person around.
It is Jon’s turn to shine. He has prepared his Winter Is Coming speech for god knows how long. His plea is impressive, but Cersei cannot give a single fuck. The Hound then re-enters the pit with the crate containing the wight. He opens the crate, all dramatic and nothing happens. It would be a little bit anti-climatic if this was the end of it. But after a firm kick, the wight escapes from the crate and goes straight for Cersei. Both Jaime and the Mountain are pretty useless when it comes to defending her. Jon gives a crash course in how to kill a wight for dummies and Qyburn is intrigued.
Someone who is not intrigued is Euron, who asks if they can swim. Jon says they can’t, and Euron says he will get the hell out of there and suggests Dany does the same. Hey, at least they will have time to hook up when everyone else is dead, right?
Cersei accepts the proposition of a truce, but only if Jon stays neutral after the Dead are defeated. Jon is a loyal bastard, and says he cannot pledge loyalty to two queens. For fuck’s sake Jon, you are ruining this for everyone. Cersei storms out, and Brienne tries to convince Jaime to talk sense into her. Jaime starts about loyalty, but Brienne of all people shouts he should fuck loyalty. Finally someone talks some sense into Jaime.
In the meantime, everybody is annoyed with Jon. Even Dany. Tyrion says what we all were thinking. LIE FOR A CHANGE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
Tyrion walks into the Lion’s den
Tyrion knows there is only one way he can convince Cersei to come to her senses. He meets Jaime in the hall where Jaime says he was kicked out by Cersei. They say their goodbyes, one idiot to the other, before Tyrion walks into Cersei’s room. They have a heated debate in which Cersei accuses Tyrion of trying to destroy the family. By killing their father, Tyrion weakened the Lannisters, which caused people like the High Sparrow to take control. Tyrion says he wants Dany to rule because she will make the world a better place. Cersei gives fuck all about making the world a better place.
Tyrion tries to convince her that her intentions are good but she shouts that she does not want to hear it. That’s some raw emotion right there. She almost orders the Mountain to kill Tyrion, after he tells her to give the command, but she doesn’t. Close call. Tyrion drinks the wine and offers Cersei some, but she doesn’t take it. Tyrion then realises she’s pregnant aaaand cut scene.
Speaking of babies, Dany and Jon have a little heart-to-heart. Dany says she can’t have children because the witch who killed Khal Drogo told her so. Jon is the voice of reason and tells her that is stupid. Time for a Targaryan incest baby, ya’ll!
Then Tyrion returns, followed by Cersei who promises to fight with them and wants nothing in return. Everybody is all happy now, but this will not last long. It is Cersei after all.
Jaime is happy Cersei has come to her senses and is planning the march to the North. Cersei asks him what the hell he is doing. She has zero intention of keeping her promise and in fact, she has sent Euron to Essos to get some fancy army with elephants to kill whoever is left after the Dead are done. Jaime is all sad that she and Euron plotted something behind his back, but Cersei argues no one turns his back on her. Jaime finally realises that Cersei is at the height of her psychotic behaviour. He says he will ride North anyway, and Cersei says that this is treason. But Jaime is done with her and wants to be with Brienne instead. Jaime dares her to kill him, but she can’t. She does signal something to the Mountain, who gets ready, but she does not go through with it. Jaime is scared for a moment, but then exclaims he can’t believe her. Then Jaime is out of there. Great, now Cersei has nobody left who loves her.
Jaime is on his horse and leaves King’s Landing. Snow falls on his fake hand. Winter has come to the south at last.
Fuck Yes, Sansa
Back in Winterfell, Sansa and Littlefinger are discussing Arya’s psychotic behaviour. Littlefinger is trying to give Sansa the final push to turn her against Arya. He says he always plays a game to see what someone’s true motives are. He makes Sansa play the game, and she comes to the conclusion that Arya wants to kill Sansa to become the Lady of Winterfell. He urges her to handle shit now. At this point I am screaming at Sansa for believing his lies.
But wait for it!
Arya is summoned to the Great Hall, where everybody who is cool in the North has gathered. Littlefinger is in the corner, smirking his little smirk. Arya is told she is on trial and Arya calmly asks if Sansa is sure she wants to do this. Sansa then reads the charges. Treason. Conspiracy. I am about to flip my finger at Sansa when she says: “Do you deny this…Lord Baelish?”
AWW FUCK YEAH SANSA FINALLY GETS SHIT DONE. Petyr is all confused. The player has been played. He denies all the charges, but Bran finally makes himself useful and shares what he has seen. Littlefinger demands the old dude to take him back to the Vale, but there is no chance anyone is going to help him now. Arya reveals the dagger belongs to him and not Tyrion Lannister. Truth tea is spilled everywhere
All his crimes are listed. Sansa is not into it, but Arya definitely is. Littlefinger falls on his knees and begs and cries for forgiveness.
“I loved your mother ever since I was a little boy!” he says.
“And yet you betrayed her,” Sansa replies
“I love you!” He cries.
“And yet you betrayed me,” Sansa says.
Arya shows us all what a merciless and clean killer she has become. With a single movement, she slashes his throat with his own dagger. I never cheered this much.
Sansa and Arya then bond over having killed a man. “The lone wolf dies but the pack survives,” Sansa says. Unless the White Walkers find you, but hey, details.
Theon gets some balls. Kinda.
Theon and Jon meet in the throne room on Dragonstone. Jon says he kinda forgives Theon. Theon says he wants to save Yara. Jon tells him to get the fuck out then and make things happen. So Theo runs towards the Iron island folks who are about to leave. He tells them to stay to find Yara. He then gets his ass kicked, but he keeps getting back up. Dude then kicks Theon in his groin, but Theon is dickless, so he feels nothing. He takes this moment to overthrow the dude whose name I do not remember. Within a second he punches his brains out. Then he tells the others to help him get Yara and they all agree. Hurray.
Jon is a Targaryan confirmed
Bran is just chilling and seeing everything, when Sam enters his room. Bran explains he is the three-eyed Raven. He then tells Sam that Jon needs to know the truth about his heritage. His name is Jon Sand because he is a Targaryan bastard born in Dorne. But then Sam reveals he actually paid attention and says Rhaegar Targaryan was officially married to Lyanna Stark, making Jon the heir to the Iron Throne. Btw, his name is actually Aegon. But Ned Stark thought it was a stupid name so he called him Jon. Totally makes sense.
While Bran is narrating the fact that Jon is a Targaryan, Jon actually knocks on Dany’s door and they make sweet incestuous love. And nobody thinks it is weird. This is so sweet and yet we all know this will not end well. Tyrion is in the dark outside the room, watching Jon go in. He looks super sad. Just like Jorah is probably crying somewhere.
The Wall falls
The army of the Dead FINALLY reaches Eastwatch. Tormund and Berric watch it all in horror. In my head, all I can think about is whether or not Tormund will survive. He is the best. He has to make it. Then the Night King swoops in on his ice dragon and melts the wall. Everybody runs but it is too late. The Dead are here and they are ready to rock.
The question is…WILL TORMUND SURVIVE?