This blog is not as cheerful as what I usually write, but sometimes you come across things that stay on your mind and you need to find a way to let them all out. I have found out that writing provides this outlet for me, so here it goes.
As a child, you are mostly unaware of mortality around you. You are too busy exploring, too curious about the world and about yourself. You just don’t know any better. When someone passes away, young children are often told that that person is on a trip and won’t come back. Or that he has gone to the stars. All kinds of creative stories, yet rarely does an adult ever say that a person has died, because explaining it is considered too difficult. Especially when the adult is having trouble dealing with the loss him or herself.
I was eight years old when my grandfather died. I was deemed old enough to be told that he had indeed died, but I was too young to understand what it truly meant. It was not until I saw the coffin and later a coffin going into the fire that I realised that it was final. And that saddened me.
Will to live
I have always been afraid of death because my will to live is too strong. I can’t cope with the idea that there comes a time when it all ends. Maybe it is because I am still young and because there is so much that I still want to accomplish in life. There are times when my anxiety takes over and I anxiously check my heartbeat to make sure it is still there.
Yet what happens when you have the desire to live but your body disagrees? After having spent years not worrying about anything, I am now in the situation that I have two cases of people who are close to me, who are looking death into the eye one way or another. It is frustrating to see that somebody is still so smart and sharp, but her body is not cooperating. There is a chance of improving, but there is the endless pain too. So much pain that at times she asks for it all to end. And that shocks me. Somebody who until a few weeks ago was still living life to the fullest is now desperate enough to give in when life has become too unbearable to live. It breaks my heart.
A few days ago I also visited the other person and naturally life and death is something that you talk about in such a situation. She said: “It is strange to know that you have no future. You used to think ‘Two years from now I will do this and that’ but now I don’t even know if I will be here two years from now.”
Life is a fragile thing. Every single one of us can go outside now and get hit by a bus and then it will be over in an instant. That is sad for the people you leave behind but you yourself don’t have to think endlessly about death because it is there and it has taken you right away without having had to engage in a staring contest. I am somebody who thinks way too much, so I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in the situation that you know you are going to die but you just don’t know when. I think I would succumb to the pressure.
Life is a wonderful thing. In life we have the possibility to achieve our infinite potential as long as we have the drive to make it happen. I think that most of us don’t know how to appreciate the little things in life until it is all too late and you just wish you had paid more attention.
In the past few months I have become more appreciative of life and I am more determined to do what makes me happy and to accomplish the things I want to accomplish. I am more determined to take care of my body and my mind because we only have one of each. So make life worth it.
What do you think about this article? Let me know in the comments!