Last Summer I heard that I graduated and boy was I one happy camper. Finally I could ritually burn all those books that have haunted me for years and never again would I have to worry about exams, essays or any other unpleasant words that start with an e. Unfortunately, after the euphoria had faded away, I realised one thing; I was going to have to be an adult. People were expecting me to go out in the real world and make money.
I was going to have to pay taxes, and if I’d get pregnant now, people would actually be congratulating me, instead of shaking their heads that I am too young to raise a child. I broke out in cold sweat and cried many tears. Where have the days gone that I could still play Pokemon without anyone judging me for it? Where are the times when nobody thought I was responsible for my own actions? I was very tempted to lay down in fetus position and not respond to anything anymore.
Unfortunately, that is not the way adulting works. Do you remember the time when you were 14 and thought “Oh man I can’t wait to be 18!” then you became 18 and thought “20 would be super cool too!” And when you are in your 20s, you slowly start to realise that you are getting older and you are indeed a mere mortal and no sparkly vampire or life elixer is going to ensure you stay young and pretty. Nope kids, we have to go and face our biggest fear. We have to act like adults. No more playing games (unless nobody is watching)! No more sleeping with plush toys (who am I kidding?)! And no more Kinder Surprise Eggs! Okay, never mind that one. You can always eat them because there are so very delicious.
Because I am such a nice person and I understand your worries (whether you are in your 20s or in your 50s with Peter Pan syndrome), I have come up with the very first Sassologist Guide on how to Adult. You are very welcome!
1. Pretend you know what you are doing, even though you have no idea. Which, let’s be honest, is most likely the case
In order to pass as an adult, you are expected to find yourself a job. And to find that job you will have to do job interviews. I always pee my pants a little when I am called in for a job interview, because I am extremely bad at naming any of my qualities, whether they are good or bad. “So, Ingrid, when I call your previous boss now, what will he tell me about you? What kind of person are you and what are your qualities?” I start to panic right there. Sweat is dripping from my face. I know that my cheeks are so red and hot you could bake an egg on them.
I start uhing as if it is the only word I have left in my vocabulary. “Well, I…uh…I am an excellent teamplayer and uhh…I guess he will say that I am really nice and a hard worker and uh..yeah…uh yeah that is it really.” Not good. Flaunt what you don’t have. Rehearse the perfect story and try to sound as convincing as you can. Get them all excited about adult you until you sign that contract and there is no way for them to get rid of you anymore. Then you can slowly start showing off your My Little Pony collection, if you please.
2. You will actually have to go out and buy food and do your laundry because your mother very happy that you finally got your ass out of the house and is now too busy throwing cocktail parties
The best thing about living at home was your mother cooking for you, washing your clothes and love you regardless of the amount of shit you left lying around. When you are adulting and living on your own, your mother has probably turned your room into her personal Spa including a sauna. She probably has cocktail parties with her friends and they tell each other how great it is that their kids are grown up now. You in the meantime live on instant noodles and wear the same underwear you wore three weeks ago because you still have not figured out how the washing machine works. So go get that manual and get your ass to the supermarket because adults have their shit together!
3. Pretend to be tougher than you really are, because the adult world is super rough and if you go still tell people that your father will hear about this, you will not be taken seriously
This is not kindergarten. Your parents can no longer protect you when that lame-ass chick from a few desks away tell you that you smell funny. Just practise the z-snap a lot and do not let them get to you. But make sure you don’t need deo either.
4. Maybe do not tell a potential romantic partner about that My Little Pony collection on the first date…
Sure, your My Little Pony collection is fabulous. And yes, your date should accept you just the way you are. But unless you met each other on the MLP-forum, it is probably a good idea to break the news to them slowly. Like first make sure they are madly in love with you before you show them your Rainbow and Giggles plushies. And if they don’t appreciate you after that then just move on. Then they are not worth your fabulousness.
5. Try to keep the moments you burst out into song to an absolute minimum, especially in serious situations
I was very sad to find out that life is not a Disney film nor a musical. Very few people appreciate it when you spontaneously bursts into song whenever they mention a word (stop being my favourite – STOP RIGHT NOW, THANK YOU VERY MUCH). When your best friend tells you she is moving to another country and you will never see each other again, don’t sing Goodbye My Lover. If you let the dogs out at 8am, don’t go screaming WHO LET THE DOGS OUT – the neighbours will not be appreciative. Just try to do it only with people who will sing along.
6. Ask yourself: What would Beyonce do?
Whether you like her or not, Beyonce is the queen at being a perfect adult. So whenever you have trouble adulting, think: What would Beyonce do?
In all seriousness, just be whoever you want to be. There is no shame in loving what you love even when it is deemed childish by some. As long as you harm nobody, then there should be no problem. But please, do change your dirty underwear, for the sake of us all.
Do you know how to adult or not at all? Let me know in the comments!
P.S. The surprisebox giveaway will end tomorrow!