Inside me: Holy shit! The apocalypse has come!
Me: What are you talking about? I am just brushing my teeth. All is totally good.
Inside me: No! No! CHECK OUT YOUR FOREHEAD!
Me: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY FOREHEAD?
Inside me: Can’t you see that big ass wrinkle that is just sitting on your face? If the apocalypse does come, we are totally fine cause you can hide an entire supermarket in that trench in your face.
Me: I think they refer to this as a fine line. It means that I am becoming older and wiser. I’m wearing my experience on my face.
Inside me: Are you stupid? You cannot wear experience on your face? Do you not realise that this means you are not the young goddess you thought you were anymore?
Me: I never thought I was a young goddess.
Inside me: RELEASE YOUR INNER GODDESS!
Me: Have you been reading 50 shades of grey without my consent?
Inside me: I…no…just one or two pages. SEE! SEE! EVEN MENTAL YOU IS LOSING IT! Only like, old housewives read Fifty Shades.
Me: I don’t think anyone reads fifty shades anymore.
Inside me: That is irrelevant to the point that we are a mere mortal and not as invincible as we thought we were.
Me: I never thought I was invincible.
Inside me: Yes you did. Bitch, please, I am the one who does the thinking here. And causes you to have irrational anxiety attacks. But that too is besides the point. What are we going to do about it?
Me: I will put this anti-aging stuff on my face and all should be well.
Inside me: You fall for that stuff? Man, it’s a good thing I am the clever one. You would be lost without me. Just cover it with your fringe.
Me: I need to get my fringe cut. It is too long.
Inside me: No, you will never cut your fringe again. You will use it to hide the shame of your old age. Just like the media taught us to. It is not cool to be old, man. Young with elastic skin is the way to go.
Me: I have elastic skin.
Inside me: No you do not. Pull your skin.
Inside me: PULL YOUR SKIN GODDAMMIT.
Me: Oh my god, I am getting older! Where are those damn zombies? I cannot live on this planet anymore. The decay is starting! And I am going to die!
Inside me: We’ve been into the process of dying ever since you were born, dumb-ass. But enough anxiety for tonight. Let’s go to bed and have you lie awake for 3-hours, pondering about death. You’re welcome! Off we go.
And this is why you should never trust the voice within. I am looking at you, Christina Aguilera.