The end is near! Shit is going down! Finally we are going places okay. Gosh this episode was epic. It made me feel so many feels. It made me say NOOO, it made me go YASSS, it made me gasp in shock and horror and it made me wish season 7 was there already. So are you ready for the last Game of Thrones recap of this year? Well, get ready, cause Winter is here, okay.
We start off in King’s Landing, where we see a bunch of people getting dressed for the trials that are coming. You already know shit is going to go down here. Tommen gets ready to murder his mother, but the Mountain comes in and blocks him from leaving. So you know Cersei has some cards up her sleeve.
Goodbye Pycelle 🙁
In the sept, bitches do not seem to be aware who the hell they are messing with. But first, Grand Maester Pycelle gets stabbed by a bunch of kids. What a lovely way to die. But seriously though, he had to go. That pervert.
Speaking of people who have to go, in the sept, the High Sparrow is all smug that he gets to bring down the important players today and he starts with Loras, who confesses to all of his crimes and decides to go all religious on our asses. They carve that ugly seven gods logo in his forehead. Margaery is hella pissed cause this was not part of the deal, but she should have known this as that High Sparrow is a dickhead. Margaery then notices that Cersei and Tommen are not in the house, which is never a good sign. Not showing up for trial means that your ass is going to die anyway. The Sparrow sends Lancel to get Cersei, and Margaery is the only one with a fucking brain in this place who realises that Cersei is probably going to murder all of their asses.
Lancel follows one of the little birds down to the dungeon below the sept and finds a shit ton of Wild fire. Things are about to get real.
BOOM says the sept
Marge tries to leave but the religious bastards are like Nope. Marge tells the High Sparrow that he is beaten but he is too proud to admit that he is, which I think is a sin. But I am not religious so hey, what do I know?
Anyway, Marge runs over to Loras and holds him while looking back at the High Sparrow when the whole place goes boom.
So basically Cersei has blown up most of her enemies in one go. And that sassy ass bitch is watching it all happen from her window while sipping on some wine. For the first time, I totally back Cersei. Although R.I.P Margaery. You will be missed.
Cersei then goes and visits Septa Unella, whom she is holding captive. Septa Unella is ready to die but Cers is like “Oh honey, you are not going to die today. I am just going to let my zombie man assault the fuck out of you.” The Mountain comes in and we hear Unella’s screams, while Cersei locks the door and shouts Shame Shame Shame. Okay, Cersei is a horrible person, but I couldn’t hep but yas her because those religious bastards were even worse. So go Cersei for taking control.
Poor sweet Tommen
Meanwhile, Tommen watches the Sept go boom and realises his wife was in there. So he takes off his crown and walks away, only to jump out of the window. This made me go “Finally” but maybe I should not be so hard on the kid. Not his fault he lacks a spine.
Cersei sees dead Tommen and is sad for five seconds before deciding it was better anyway. “Oh well, burn this disobedient motherfucker,” she kind of says.
In another place, Jaime and Walder Frey are having a chat and Jaime thinks that
Filch Walder is a despicable motherfucker. Which is a lot coming from Jaime. There is a servant who keeps looking at him and we later learn why. She brings Walder a pie when he’s by himself and he is being a sexist pig. He then demands to know where his sons are and the girl says they are right here. In the pie. The girl then reveals herself to be Arya, who is back to take some revenge. This was definitely a YAS moment. She murders that motherfucker and made us all proud. Our little girl grew up so fast.
Meanwhile, Olenna is in Dorne and shuts down the annoying ass sand snakes nobody gives a fuck about. She wants revenge and they can give it to her. Varys appears and mutters the Targaryan words. Hell to the fucking yeah.
Sam appears in this episode and goes to the library. Gilly and kid are not invited. Nobody gives a shit. Moving on.
Jon Snow is not a Snow at all!
We see Bran and Meera and Bran is like yay Weirwood tree. He touches it and returns to the Tower of Joy where we learn that Jon is indeed a Targaryen. Woohoo!
And cut to Jon Snow at Winterfell. Ser Badassos marches in as Jon is having a get together with Melisandre and he wants her executed for murdering Shireen. Fair enough. Mel is like “I did not lie! I was just wrong. Gosh we all make mistakes, people.” I personally never made a mistake that meant a child was burned alive, but hey. Jon exiles her. How sad.
Sansa is still a Stark though
Sansa and Jon have a little get together to and joke that Winter has come. Hahahaha. About fucking time. They have some brother and sister time and agree they should stop fighting a war amongst themselves.
Cue Peter Pervert. He meets Sansa at this sacred tree and says he wants to be the king with Sansa as his queen. He then attempts to kiss her and she is like “nah thanks.” Peter Pervert then tries to drive a wedge between Sansa and Jon, but I sure hope Sansa knows better than to listen to that horny bastard.
We are back in the hall at Winterfell where all these pussies are like WE CANNOT WORK TOGETHER WITH WILDLINGS, until Lyanna fucking Mormont stands up and shuts them all down. Jon is declared King of the North and he is amazed by it. Sansa is all smiles until she catches Peter Pervert’s stare and sees how he eyerolls. I hope Lyanna murders him with her death stare.
Who sits on the Iron Throne?
Back to King’s landing where Cersei claims the Iron Throne and nobody is particularly excited about it. Jaime joins the party just in time and exchanges looks with Cersei. You see him thinking: “Oh fuck, do I need to murder her now as well?” Which is probably going to happen.
In Mereen, Dany dumps her fuckboy Daario and then hangs with Tyrion and makes him hand of the Queen. Que the awws. And then we see them setting sail for Westeros with a shitload of ships and three dragons. Dany is all fuck yeah I am going to claim these motherfucking kingdoms and all of us are like FUCK YEAH WE WAITED SIX FUCKING SEASONS FOR HER TO GET HER ASS TO WESTEROS.
Good times are coming. Bring on Season 7.
Tum tum de de tum tum.