The time has come! Game of Thrones Season 6 has started and it is once again time to laugh, cry and despair as we watch our favourite characters die an early death while we celebrate when our least favourite characters perish. I thought it would be an excellent idea to share the thoughts I had during the episode with all of you. Because I am nice like that.
The episode starts with Jon being pretty dead or in desperate need of a blood transfusion. But who are we kidding? We all know Jon will come back to life and stab that Olly kid in the face. Or chop his head off. But I digress. Luckily Ser Davos and Jon’s squad is around to retrieve his body and bring it to safety before some White Walker madness can happen to Jon’s pretty face. Melisandre shows up and I demand her to bring him back to live but she is all like “aw shit, my visions were wrong again.” Quit your day job, woman.
In the meantime, Sansa and Theon are having a jolly good time while they are escaping from Ramsay’s crew and pet pooches. Theon suggests they cross a dangerously cold river which would kill basically everybody and Sansa is very aware of this, but naturally they survive because where is the fun in killing them off right away?
They hide, and Theon says he will distract them to let Sansa get away and redeem himself, I guess. But Theon forgets that Ramsay sent Bloodhounds after them and nobody deceives bloodhounds. Their noses are amazing, yo. So naturally they find Sansa who is not good at hide and seek and they are about to have their asses dragged back to Winterfell, when Brienne comes and slays the day. A beautiful moment happens when Sansa accepts Brienne in her squad and they are having this silent “we will play this fucking game of thrones and take revenge on these motherfuckers” moment.
We then see our darling Cersei who is all happy her daughter comes back to King’s Landing, but is not that pleased when she sees she returns in a coffin. Instead of having a bitch fit, she is all “I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! SOME OLD HAG TOLD ME!” And Jaime is all “WE ARE GOING TO FUCK SOME BITCHES UP” and Cersei then says YASS and we know shit will go down.
We return to Dorne where Prince whatshisface hears the news that Myrcella is pretty dead and then he gets a knife stuck between his ribs and is dead himself. That is how fast it goes. The Sandsnakes then go and kill his son Trystane and finally make themselves useful. Seriously, they have done shit all the past two seasons. Btw, where is Bronn? Bronn is the shit. I miss him.
Then it’s up to Daenerys to grace our screens. She is taunted by these Dorthraki men and when the Khal wants to use her as his sex toy she is all “No bitch, I am not going to spread my legs for you.” She states her million names and says she was the wife of Khal Drogo. Then they are all “Oh shit, sorry, we are going to bring you to the Widow place where you will spend your days until you’re dead.” And the uglier Khal chick is like “Yasss gurl, you gon’ die.” We all know this won’t end well but luckily Daario and Jorah are on their way to fix this shit. P.S. Where the hell is Drogon? You cannot trust dragons these days.
Arya comes up and she is eavesdropping and weird ass nobody girl from the hall of faces shows up and kicks Arya’s ass and is being a total dickface. Nothing interesting happens here so we shall move on back to Castle Black.
Ser DickFaceWhoKilledMyBaeJon is telling Ser Davos and the boys that they can surrender and all will be cool and Davos demands some lunch because why the hell not. Anyway, Davos knows his shit and knows those bastards will kill them all if they open the door, but I would just have Ghost rip their intestines out. I am still not over the death of my boy. But he is not dead. Not really. Shit Melisandre, bring him back to live already.
Speaking of Melisandre, she is looking into a mirror thing and admiring her pretty Dutch face and shows us her bewbs. It wouldn’t be an HBO show without tits after all. She removes her necklace and we get a shot of a very attractive old lady. And I say this because everybody is all “WTF OMG IS THAT HOW SHE REALLY LOOKS?” and my first reaction was just that, but I think we should all embrace the way we look and not be influenced by the beauty standards of Westeros. You go, Nanna Red Lady.
That was all for this time. See you next episode of Game of Thrones. Tutututudetutu.