The most wonderful time of the year is near, you tell yourself as you try to fight off the hordes of people in the supermarket. You slave over the perfect Christmas dinner while we all know that you cannot cook even if Gordon Ramsay would slap you in the face while yelling instructions at you. It is the most wonderful time of the year, you say to yourself through gritted teeth, when Uncle Walter and Aunt Betty, who haven’t shown up all year, join the celebrations and end up fighting their way through all the courses. And then have make-up sex. In your room preferably.
Ah yes, Christmas is the greatest time of the year. And if you’re not stressing right now, you will tomorrow. And the day after that. But do not fret, my dear friends, because I know exactly how you will be able to survive these Christmas days. After all, we all want to just take the socks our mother has given us and lock ourselves up until it is all over. But we can’t because of uncle Walter and Betty. Damnit.
Here it is, the Sassologist’s guide on how to survive Christmas.
1. Do not do the cooking. Let others cook for you
You already slave all year over those carefully selected microwave meals. Let others do the cooking for you. No need to stress over what to cook for so many people and no worries about if you will succeed or if you will end up at McDonald’s after all. It is a win win situation. See it as going to a restaurant, but for free. Everybody loves free stuff! Just remember to be kind enough to clear the table and if you want extra karma points, do the dishes.
I personally skip the extra karma points.
2. Do not invite anybody over at your place
It’s a trap. People only want to come to your place because they are too lazy to clean up their mess. Or to clean up the mess after you’ve left. It’s always easier to make a mess at somebody else’s place, then offer to help clean it up out of courtesy and hope that they will say no so that you are free to get out of there.
3. Pretend that you’re having a great time
Nobody likes to deal with the person who literally looks at people in an attempt to kill. Yes it is tough having to constantly deal with family that you only see during Christmas, but put up with it. Perhaps they bought you a pink pony or a new Mercedes. You never know.
Although it is highly unlikely. But keep the Christmas spirit alive!
4. Pretend to listen to stories you’ve already heard a million times
Christmas is the perfect opportunity for your parents or any other family member to mention all the embarrassing things you’ve done in your life once again. Like that one time you peed over your coat in Disneyland. I WAS SEVEN YEARS OLD OKAY. Ahum, anyway, just laugh the loudest and die on the inside but don’t let it show.
5. Do not get too competitive when it comes to board games
Board games are for fun. It’s fun to play games. You do not have to win. You aren’t playing the Hunger Games. Take a deep breath when you see your grandfather cheat because you are the bigger person. Honestly. Let it go. I know it’s hard but think about your blood pressure.
6. Enjoy it
There comes a time when you are old and grey and nobody wants to visit you anymore because you smell funny. Your kids won’t care, your pet doesn’t care and you will remember the times you had Christmas dinner with your family. You wish you had enjoyed it more, but alas, we cannot turn back the hands of time. Ask R. Kelly. He knows all about that.
So bottom line is, enjoy yourself, easy on the booze, just chill and have a Merry Sassy Christmas!