Yesterday my boyfriend and I decided we wanted to go see a film. As nothing really good was playing, we decided to go to The Scorch Trials, despite the fact that I have never seen the Maze Runner. I knew the story, kinda, but I never felt inclined to watch it. Basically, I was really just looking for an excuse to eat so much popcorn, I would get in a popcorn-comatose state. But I digress.
The film was quite entertaining, if you do not count the fact that 70% of the time, people are either walking or running away from something. It was just as exciting as the Deathly Hallows Part 1, in which Harry and friends basically spend the entire film camping. And I say that as a big Harry Potter fan. Anyway, back to the Scorch Trials. There is a lot of moaning going on, people say each other’s name a lot and there are some zombies because why the hell not? I admit that the first time a zombie popped up, I screamed. I was the only one. I am not ashamed. But those exact zombies were the start of my issue with this film and many other films too. Suddenly zombies pop up. You’d think “Oh fuck, a zombie is out there trying to eat my brain. Better get the hell out of here!” Instead, the protagonists stare at the zombies for ten whole seconds before they back off. Now if that happens the first time, fine. You are in shock, your brain has decided not to function for a moment, but when it works again, you get the hell out of there. But not if you meet these zombie creatures eight times. Even when you see them the second time, you get the hell out of there instead of staring at them. Especially when these zombies can actually run like normal people. If someone shouts RUN at me, while they are running, I do not question their motives. I am out of there.
Luckily for our friends in the film, the zombies waited just long enough to appear for them to discover irrelevant things to the plot and think they were totally safe in a dark underground tunnel. I mean, why the hell not right? Despite the fact that you would not find me in such a place to begin with, if I did get talked into it, I would make sure not to linger when I find something spooky. Fortunately for them, the zombies waited 10 seconds before attacking, so our heroes could show us their scared looks which they undoubtedly perfected in acting class.
When a film annoys me (or when I am really into it) I tend to talk to the screen. Yesterday, I talked to the screen but mostly because of the stupidity of all these people. “What the hell are you doing? RUN!” “Push her off of that cliff, her face annoys me” and “Yeah my ass” were often repeated. I don’t like my protagonists to be dumb. Like in every horror film ever. “Oh no! Our car breaks down! Let’s stay in this deserted cabin in the middle of the woods which is obviously haunted because why the hell not?” You just deserve to get an axe thrown into your forehead (I’m looking at you Paris Hilton) if you are that stupid. This would be what I would do in a similar situation.
“Oh no, the car broke down!” I say.
“Maybe we should stay in that cabin in the woods over there. Nobody is home. It is totz not trespassing,” friend A says.
“Oh hell no. I am going to call road services. I do not pay a shitload of money for their services if I can’t use them,” I will answer.
“But how will they know where we are?” Friend B asks.
“GPS, idiot,” I will answer.
“But none of our phones work. I think we should stay in the cabin. It is totally safe,” Friend C will say.
“Whatever bitches, I will walk home,” I say, before jumping out of the car and sprinting back to civilisation without a dude with a chainsaw chasing me.
I get it. Plot convenience and all. And yes, even smart people make poor choices. But even not so smart people should know when to go and when to stare at rabid murderers for too long. Am I the only one who feels this way? Let me know!