I look into the mirror and see my wet eyes staring back at me. I try to calm myself, I tell myself that everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine. I take a deep breath and tell myself I just need a moment to lie down.
I move over to the bed and lie down in fetus position. I try to fight the tears, but I know that they are coming. I try to fight the panic attack but the panic has already taken hold of me.
And those who see me lying there may think I am weak. Those who find me bawling my eyes out, barely able to breathe may think I need saving.
I don’t need saving.
What you do not see is that I am fighting. I am fighting the monster that lives inside my own head. The monster that is called anxiety.
And you may not see it, but I have climbed a dark hill. I have taken out my sword and entered its liar. The monster appeared in front of me and I am scared but I do not back down.
All around me darkness gathers. The monster shows me how the world around me shatters and for a moment, I can’t imagine what it is like to ever be happy again.
As it is getting harder for me to breathe, I cry out for help. I become smaller as the monster grows and grows. I want to give up. I can’t do this alone. I am nothing.
This is my battle. But I need you to help me. I need you to hold me
When your arms wrap around my body, I finally feel safe again. When you whisper that everything is going to be okay, I feel strong again. And I stand up with the sword in my hand because I know that you are behind me. And I shout at the monster and tell it to go away. It backs down. And I stab it right in the heart, until it turns to nothing but dust before my feet.
And I can breathe again. And the panic fades away. I have defeated the panic that’s in my head. And when it comes back again, I know that I’m ready, because you are here with me.